My World Has Stopped

This took over two months for me to write. I could only get so far before I was crying so hard that I couldn’t type. I should have read it aloud at Daddy’s Celebration of Life, but I still can’t read it and not cry. It’s probably the most soul bearing thing I’ve ever shared.

Why hasn’t the world stopped? Doesn’t it know the travesty that has just occurred?
I mean, the world couldn’t even stop for a public health crisis so what can I expect?

But my world has stopped. It’s come to a screeching halt. What will I do without your wisdom to guide me?

You didn’t get to plant your garden this year. You had to leave before Good Friday when is when we always plant. I hope you are in an endless garden now full of plants for you tend and watch grow. It’s the most beautiful garden…..one where you don’t have to worry about weather or blights or invasive critters. It’s the richest soil you could ever find…..deep black fertile soil, like what you left me when you had to go.

The soil in which you planted my love of the earth, its plants and animals. Where you tended to the seeds of faith and unending support.

Now I must prune the spent wood from the trees to allow them to flourish and grow.
But I’m not ready to yet. I don’t know that I ever will be.

I stood on a hill looking at the sky, cold wind blowing in my face. I cried thinking of you but not a sobbing cry. Tears just rolling down my cheeks like the creek bank broke. It felt like a thousand pieces of ice trickling down my face, as the wind blew harder.

I am three years old again

I feel lost

I feel your presence often……like you never left
It is safe and calming like the hug I want to get from you but never will

And then I cry

I need more time with you
I need more stories from you
I need……you

Go into the woods with me on a slow trail to the creek
Sit with me there by the water
Let me know that you are there
Tell me everything is going to be okay
Please
Because right now nothing is okay
Nothing is real
Nothing will ever be the same

I will miss you forever
But I know you are by my side every day
So now, I must go into the garden
And plant the seeds of our future
With those of us who are left
To walk through the rows of plants without your guidance and hope that our work bears fruit
And makes you proud of the legacy you created

I love you Daddy. I’ll see you in the garden.
Pooh Bear